This is not the end

Okay guys....this post is honest, open, and really hard to write. The past 3ish weeks have been crazy, and have felt more like a couple months. When I wrote my last post about Christmas,  I knew this would be the next one.

As I begin jotting things down for this, I am sitting on an airplane somewhere over central America and Little L. Is fast asleep in my arms. It is her second birthday....she turned two while sleeping on my lap. So many thoughts about that  (mainly, where has my baby gone?)...but not today. 

On December 26, my mom told me that my paternal grandmother, Nana, was in the hospital. She had some infections, a blockage in her throat making it impossible to swallow anything solid, and a few other complications. My parents and youngest brother went to see her immediately. She chose not to have any treatment, understanding that it meant her days were very limited. In the next couple days, my two other brothers flew out from Alaska to see her. Meanwhile I was extremely upset, at home in Brazil. 

Nana is 99 years old. Logically we all knew that this day had to come. I kept telling myself that as I fell apart. It didn't help. Nothing can truly prepare you for the death of someone you love. My knowledge of and faith in the gospel of Jesus Christ, knowing that my family can be eternal, help soften the blow. But the pain is still there, and it is real.

I sat at home not knowing what to do.  I cried and Little L. tried comforting me with her perfect little hugs and kisses, not understanding at all what was going on.  Husband just let me cry on his shoulder, while internally agonizing over the fact that I was far from my family in this critical moment.  Just out of curiosity, my youngest brother and I began looking at flights from here to NY.  It was all much too expensive...unless I wanted a 40-hour trip through Mexico to get there.  By myself, I'd do it.  But I had Little L. to think about too.  

To make a long story short, over the next few days we had tons of ups and downs.  It finally looked do-able.  Then suddenly the reasonable flight disappeared.  Then the card didn't work when we finally got another good one.  There were so many miracles in such a short few days...and angels.  We truly have angels in our lives, disguised as our friends.  We were finally able to get a relatively inexpensive flight, one that was only 18 hours from start to finish, only one layover.  We would leave here December 31, and stay there until January 12.  The flight back would be insanely long, but I'd deal with that when the time came. 

I cancelled the rest of my classes for the last couple days of the week, and tried to pull myself together.  Just knowing that we'd be going to see my side of the family was HUGE for me.  I don't know why it calmed me down so much; it didn't change the situation.  Nana was still on a liquids-only diet.

She arrived home from the hospital a couple days before Little L. and I arrived on the scene.  By the time we got there, my two brothers were back in Alaska, but the youngest was still there.  He and Little L. have a special bond, so I was glad we'd get a few days with him at least.  He and my parents met us at the airport early on January 1.  Our 2018 had begun on the airplane in São Paulo, before takeoff. 

It was WONDERFUL to see my family again.  And Nana looked so much better than I had been expecting.  Little L. warmed up right away to everyone, and it was adorable to see the special care she took with Nana.  She's a small child, but she had to have some notion of what was going on, because she was so kind and gentle with Nana, playing by her side, holding her hand, etc.  Little L. also absolutely LOVED the snow!

We spent the next 11 days mostly in NY.  We spent the weekend at my parents' house, which was nice.  I got to see my childhood best friend again, and her daughter and Little L. played together as if they hadn't been apart for several months. 

Those 11 days were crazy.  So many emotions in such a short time.  I held myself together surprisingly well.  I think seeing Nana better than I expected helped.  I know the inevitable will come, but at least for a few days, life was back to normal- Nana was okay.  

I think what was hardest on me was seeing Nana get weaker.  Some days she was in exceptionally good condition, but other days she seemed exceptionally weak.  I told her so one day, that she seemed to be doing really well.  She told me it was because Little L. and my parents and I had come back from their house, and were with her again.  The next day my parents went home, and I would be leaving the following day- that was her worst day while I was there.  She was very weak, didn't want to eat/drink too much, and seemed very sad.  That was January 11.

That night, I got the last of my things together for the trip back to Brazil, and then I had to say goodbye to Nana.  I hadn't thought much about that moment.  I saw my youngest brother cry when he said goodbye (he wasn't sticking around New England, he was off on his next adventure), but I hadn't thought about my turn.

It's a moment I don't think I'll ever forget.  It was around 10pm, and Little L. was still awake- she wouldn't go to sleep without me that night.  So we went into the living room and talked with Nana a little.  Little L. hugged her and kissed her and kept saying "I love you, Banana [her name for Nana]".  It was really too bad Nana couldn't hear her.  I went to hug Nana and tell her I love her, and that was the moment I just about lost it.  I started crying, and then tried to hide it, but obviously I couldn't.  And Nana just held onto me like there was no tomorrow. She said some beautiful things to me.

This picture spans 4 generations of Ogdens....it is a treasure!

I think I came back to Brazil half in a daze.  It was a long trip,  but Little L. was an angel on the trip again, which was a huge blessing.  It all still seems so unreal.  I know what's going to happen; I know this was probably the last time I was going to see Nana in this mortal life.  I guess this happened with my great-grandmother, Oma, too.  She passed away when I was 16 years old, and I have subconsciously blocked out the last bit of her life.  I remember when she started to go downhill, and then my memories jump to seeing her early in the day, the day she died.  Mom tells me I was pretty upset about that too, which is probably why I don't remember much.  

And now...I have memories.  Wonderful, sweet, fantastic, amazing memories.  And an eternal future to look forward to.  I am so grateful for the angels in my life who made this trip possible.  One of those angels is my Husband, who wasn't okay until I was on the airplane going to see my family.  I am grateful for Little L. being able to see her great-grandparents again.  Although the circumstances for the trip were less than ideal, I was grateful to see part of my USA family again.  I didn't realize how much I had been needing to see them.

I feel like I have just been word-vomiting here, and I don't know how much I was able to adequately get across.  I'm not even sure why I felt like I needed to write this post.  All I know is I don't have words to describe my feelings and thoughts over the past few weeks.  I hope I've been able to express a fraction of my mind to you!

Nana is a great woman, one of the greatest I know, and deserves to have the world know her greatness.  She is leaving a legacy in her family.

Also, we celebrated Little L.'s birthday a few days early with her grandparents and great-grandparents

So this is Christmas...2017

Christmas this year was different than expected, but enjoyable nonetheless.  It was a long weekend of family, friends, laughter and missed bedtimes. 

O natal este ano foi diferente que eu esperava, mas foi ótimo mesmo assim.  Foi um final da semana longo, cheio de família, amigos, risada, e noites que Little L. dormiu tarde demais.

In our house, we mix our two cultures as much as we can.  The bulk of Christmas here in Brazil in on December 24.  And in the States it is on December 25.  So we celebrate two days of Christmas around here!  Christmas Eve was an odd Sunday, actually.  We only had a little over an hour of church, and then came home and spent the rest of the day getting things ready for the family dinner.  We had it at our house this year, which was a LOT of fun.  Husband's siblings and parents came over with their families, and we spent a few hours in each other's company before everyone went to their in-laws' houses for Dinner Round Two.  The kids all played miraculously well together, and Husband and his family were all in tears of laughter for a good chunk of the night!  I had thought it was going to be a little more stressful and less relaxing, but it ended up being just....awesome.

Em nossa casa, temos uma mistura legal de 2 culturas.  A maioria do Natal aqui no Brasil é no dia 24 de dezembro.  E nos EUA, é no dia 25.  Então, nós comemoramos 2 dias de Natal aqui!  Dia 24 foi um domingo estranho, na verdade.  Tivemos apenas uma hora de igreja, e viemos para casa e passamos o resto do dia preparando para a ceia de Natal em família.  Este ano, tivemos a ceia da família aqui em casa, que foi MUITO divertido!  Os irmãos e pais de Husband vieram aqui com suas famílias, e passamos algumas horas juntos antes que saíram para as outras famílias para Ceia Round 2.  As crianças brincaram bem juntos, e Husband e sua família estavam todos chorando de tanto rir juntos!  Eu tinha pensado que seria mais estressante e menos relaxante, mas acabou sendo apenas....ótimo!

Christmas Day was going to be a day spent as a family, and then we were going to have Family Home Evening with some friends.  Christmas Eve, Husband got called into work for Christmas day.  Let me explain....with his job, he works a chunk of time, and then gets another chunk off (I can't write more details than that, sorry it's vague!).  He has been looking for a second job for a while, one that would work with his schedule.  He finally got one a few days before Christmas, and was called in for the first time on Christmas.  That's why he couldn't say no, because it was an answer to a lot of prayers, and we didn't want him to lose this opportunity.

Íamos passar o dia 25 juntos (eu, Husband, e Little L.), e depois íamos ter Noite Familiar com alguns amigos.  Na véspera de Natal, Husband foi escalado para trabalhar no dia 25.  Vou explicar...Com o emprego dele, ele trabalha um tempo, e depois folga um tempo (não posso entrar em mais detalhes, perdoem-me!).  Ele tem procurando um segundo emprego por um tempinho, um que daria com a escala dele.  Ele finalmente conseguiu, alguns dias antes de Natal, e foi escalado pela primeira vez no Natal.  Por isso ele não podia recusar, porque foi uma resposta a muitas orações, e não queríamos perder essa oportunidade.

So how was Christmas Day actually spent?  Well, we got up at 5:30 as always....No matter what time she goes to bed, Little L. ALWAYS wakes up at the same time.  It's kind of frustrating, actually, because then she is grumpy for days.  Anyway, in this case, it was good.  Husband didn't have to be at work until 7, so he got to see her open her presents.  That was so much fun!!!!  She was so excited!  She just got a few simple things, and a plastic tricycle, but she was over the moon.  I'm pretty sure that she'd sleep with her trike if she could!  The rest of the day....well, if I'm being honest, it was just another day.  I cleaned the house.  Tried to get Little L. into bed early, but that turned into a small disaster.

No fim das contas, como passamos dia 25? Acordamos e levantamos às 5:30, como sempre....Não importa o horário que ela dorme, Little L. SEMPRE acorda no mesmo horário.  É chato, na verdade, porque depois, ela fica irritada durante alguns dias.  Mas nesse caso, foi bom.  Husband não precisava estar no trabalho até as 7h, então ele estava aqui para ver ela abrir os presentes.   Nossa, isso foi divertido demais!!! Ela ficou tão animada!  Ela ganhou alguns brinquedos simples, e também um velotró, mas ela achou que tinha ganhado a loteria! Acho que se pudesse, ela dormiria com seu velotró!  O resto do dia....bem, se estou sendo sincera, foi apenas mais um dia.  Limpei a casa.  Tentei colocar Little L. para dormir cedo, mas isso acabou sendo um pequeno desastre.

And now Husband is at work again for another several days.  He picked up some extra shifts over New Years, which is also a blessing.  Unfortunately, it means that an exhausted me is here alone with an overtired Little L. for several days.  When I say unfortunately, I mean that I am not good at hiding my grumpiness, which makes for a difficult situation.  What amazes me every time I hear Little L. say "I love you" or "I sowwy Mommy" or hug me or anything else she does to show she loves me....what amazes me is that she CAN still love me even with all my imperfections, short temper, etc.  Anyway, another post for another time.

E agora, Husband voltou a trabalhar mais alguns dias.  Ele pegou  mais serviço no Ano Novo, que também é uma bênção.  Infelizmente, significa que uma EU exausta estou aqui sozinha com uma Little L. exausta por alguns dias.  Quando digo "infelizmente", quero dizer que não sou boa em esconder quando não estou me sentindo bem, que dá numa situação difícil.  O que me impressiona cada vez que escuto Little L. dizer "Eu te amo" ou "desculpa Mommy" ou me abraçar ou qualquer coisa que ela faz para mostrar que me ama....o que me impressiona é que ela CONSEGUE me amar mesmo com todas as minhas imperfeições, impaciência, etc.  Em fim, uma outra post para um outro dia. 

Now I'm just trying to get back to a normal routine for the next few days before Little L. loses another TON of sleep over New Years again.  I like Christmas and all, but I can't wait til January when life goes back to normal...

Agora estou apenas tentando reestabelecer a rotina normal nos próximos dias, antes de Little L. perder mais um monte de sono no Ano Novo.  Eu gosto de Natal e todas as festas e tudo, mas não vejo a hora de janeiro chegar, quando a vida volta a normal...

Attitude of Gratitude!

I had started to write a post about how it's been 8 years a couple weeks ago since I got my mission call.  And I had a lot to say about that, but then all of a sudden it just didn't feel like what I should be writing about at the moment.  I'm not exactly sure why.

The past couple weeks have been really great, but spotted with some tricky news here and there, that is greatly affecting people we know and love.  I can't go into details, just because it's not my news to share.  These are some of the moments I wish I could do more, though.  I often feel like I can't help people with their problems, just because I don't have the solution, or any way to physically help.  But I guess just knowing that they can confide in me is already a big help.  I know that when I am going through something, just having people to talk to is sometimes what literally gets me through the rough patches.  At least that's how it's been lately.

I am just so grateful for the people God has put in my life.  I don't believe in coincidences, nor do I believe completely in "randomness".  The people who are in my life are not there randomly.  Many of them are angels who have helped me and my family through some of the most difficult days, most of the time without even realizing it.  I always get emotional talking about this, because the last 2 years especially have been full of these kinds of realizations.  2 years ago, my students (more important than being students, they are my friends) threw me a surprise baby shower, at just the right moment.  Months later when Little L. was very small and Husband was at work way too much, they noticed some things we needed in the way of food, and then (without mentioning a word of this to me) showed up late one night with all that, and more.  One of these angels (more recently) tried as hard as she could, with one good connection she had, to get Husband transferred to a better base.  He was, possibly in part due to her efforts.  About a year ago, another student and friend set up a big group class for me at her company.  That worked out for a few months, but even though that ended, I have several current students that began as part of that group.  She has also been our friend through some of the hardest days we've been through recently, and has helped Husband just by listening to him tell his work stories!  Most recently, another new student/friend of mine found out that Little L. wasn't feeling so well, and brought medicine over for her.

I could go on and on about the angels in our life, and there are so many I haven't even mentioned.  I guess what I'm really trying to say is that we need each other, and God knows that....not only does He know it, but He specifically puts people in our lives, exactly when we need them most.  And more often than not, we are forever changed by the people we meet.  I may forget people's names, but I never forget the impact they have had on me.

I have just felt so grateful lately for all the people in my life, and for all the blessings in my life.  Brazil doesn't have Thanksgiving; that is a USA holiday.  But we are going to celebrate it here in our house, and thinking about that has definitely made me stop to think about my blessings more than I usually do.



Eu tinha começado uma post sobre como faz 8 anos (e algumas semanas) desde que eu recebi meu chamado missionário.  Eu tinha muito para falar do assunto, mas de repente não sentia mais que devia escrever sobre aquilo no momento.  Não sei exatamente por quê.

Essas últimas semanas têm sido ótimas, mas também tinha algumas notícias difíceis que estão afetando pessoas que conhecemos e amamos.  Não posso entrar em detalhes, pois não são minhas notícias para compartilhar ou falar.  São os momentos que eu queria que eu pudesse fazer mais.  Frequentemente sinto que não posso ajudar as pessoas com seus problemas, porque eu não tenho a solução e nem um meio físico para ajudar.  Mas acho que só saber que podem confiar em mim já é uma grande ajuda.  Sei que quando eu estou passando por alguma coisa, só saber que posso conversar com alguém às vezes é literalmente o que me leva pelos momentos mais difíceis.  E tem sido assim ultimamente.

Sou tão grata pelas pessoas que Deus tem colocado em minha vida.  Eu não acredito em coincidências, nem em "por acaso".  As pessoas que estão na minha vida não estão aqui por acaso  Muitas delas são anjos que têm ajudado minha família passar por alguns dos momentos mais difíceis, muitas vezes sem nem saber disso.  Eu sempre me emociono falando disso, porque principalmente os últimos 2 anos têm sido cheios desses anjos.  2 anos atrás, minhas alunas (e mais importante, minhas amigas), fizeram um chá de bebê de surpresa, no momento certo.  Meses depois, quando Little L. era bem pequena e Husband estava trabalhando demais, elas perceberam que faltamos algumas coisas em casa, e aí (sem falar comigo), apareceram na minha casa tarde uma noite com tudo que faltava, e mais.  Um desse anjos (mais recentemente), tentou tudo que ela podia, com um conhecido dela, para que Husband fosse transferido para um lugar melhor.  Ele foi, talvez em parte por causa do esforço dela.  Um ano atrás, uma outra aluna/amiga nova arranjou para eu dar aula na empresa onde ela trabalha, para um grupo de alunos.  Deu certo durante alguns meses, e apesar de ter acabado, tenho vários alunos hoje por causa daquele grupo.  Ela também tem sido nossa amiga durante alguns dos dias mais complicados ultimamente, e ajuda Husband só escutando ele desabafar! Mais recentemente, uma nova aluna/amiga descobriu que Little L. não estava sentindo bem, e trouxe remédio para ela, do nada assim.

Eu poderia continuar a falar sobre os anjos em nossa vida, e tem tantos que nem mencionei ainda.  Acho que o que estou querendo dizer é que precisamos uns dos outros, e Deus sabe disso...não apenas sabe, mas Ele coloca as pessoas em nossa vida, exatamente quando mais precisamos delas.  E a maioria das vezes, somos mudados para sempre pelas pessoas que conhecemos.  Talvez eu esqueça os nomes das pessoas, mas jamais esqueço o impacto que têm em mim.

Só tenho sentido cheia de gratidão ultimamente pelas pessoas e bênçãos em minha vida.  Aqui no Brasil não temos Ação de Graças, pois é um feriado americano.  Mas aqui em casa iremos comemorar, e pensar em tudo isso com certeza me fez pensar em minhas bênçãos mais que normal.

4 Little Words

"I love you, Mommy."

Those 4 little words, from my favorite little person, have changed my life and the way I see the world.  I live to hear them.  They reassure me, they uplift me, they make any negative feelings disappear.

Little L. has been saying "I love you" for a few months now, repeating it when we ask her to.  For the last few weeks, she has been saying it on her own, and she has added the names of people after. (I love you Papai, I love you Mommy, I love you Oma, etc.)  When I am having a particularly rough day and feel like the worst mother in the history of mothers, out of nowhere she hugs me and says "I love you, Mommy", and it changes everything.  At night before bed, she says "I love you Mommy."  When I leave the house or she leaves with Husband, "I love you Mommy."  Randomly throughout the day, "I love you Mommy."

These four little words have taught me so much about
Love
Forgiveness
Family
Trying harder
Happiness
Perfection
Jesus Christ

And it makes me think...if Little L. can love me this easily and this purely, even with my SO MANY flaws, and she is a little human...how much more can the Lord love each one of us, even though He sees all our flaws?  He is a perfect Being, so He loves perfectly.  I understand in a whole new way now why Christ said to be like little children (Matthew 18:3; Mosiah 3:19; among other references).  If Little L. is an example of children as a whole group, they are quick to forgive and forget, and quick to love.  And their forgiveness and love are so pure...they don't keep digging up the past.  Little L. can be mad at me for a minute and then literally 10 seconds later she is laughing her head off, hugging me and saying "I love you, Mommy".

Life is not easy.  I am trying to keep this blog 100% honest about the ups and downs of life, even though some things are harder to open up about than others.  But I never want to paint a picture of a fictional world where every day is sunshine and rainbows, with my house in order and me perfectly calm and happy all the time.  That's just not my reality.  My reality is full of crying and laughing, a house that I clean but becomes messy again 10 minutes later, dirty dishes that always pile up no matter how often I wash them, the ongoing mountains of laundry, forever trying to come up with something new to cook (recipe ideas are always welcome!!!!), a to-do list that literally has "drink water" on it because otherwise I forget....etc.  My life seems like chaos sometimes.

But then Little L. says "I love you Mommy" and everything is okay.  Suddenly it doesn't matter how much I "have to do"....it can wait.  I need to just take the moment to love my Little L., just as she does.

Those 4 little words have changed me, and I am sure they will continue to change me forever now.  They make me want to be a better person, want to be the great mother she sees in me.  I know I can't change overnight, so I am working on that change over....well, over a lifetime.  But her encouraging "I love you Mommy", day after imperfect day, is what fuels me to keep at it.




"I love you Mommy."

Aquelas 4 pequenas palavras, de minha pessoinha preferida, têm mudado a minha vida e a minha visão do mundo.  Eu vivo para ouvir essas palavras.  Elas me apoiam, me elevam, e fazem quaisquer sentimentos negativos sumirem. 

Little L. está falando "I love you" por alguns meses já, repetindo quando pedimos.  Mas durante as últimas semanas, ela tem falado sozinha, e até acrescentado o nome das pessoas depois (I love you Papai, I love you Mommy, I love you Oma, etc.).  Quando estou tendo um dia difícil e sentindo como a pior mãe na história de mães, do nada ela me abraça e diz "I love you, Mommy", e isso muda tudo. À noite, antes de dormir, ela diz "I love you Mommy."  Quando saio da casa ou ela sai com Husband, "I love you Mommy."  Do nada ao longo do dia, "I love you Mommy."

Essa palavrinhas têm me ensinado tanto sobre
Amor
Perdão
Família
Não desistir
Felicidade
Perfeição
Jesus Cristo

E faz-me pensar....se Little L. consegue me amar com tanta facilidade e pureza, mesmo com minhas MUITAS falhas, e ela é uma pequena humana....quanto mais o Senhor pode amar cada um de nós, mesmo vendo todas as nossas falhas?  Ele é um Ser perfeito, então Ele nos ama perfeitamente.  Eu entendo de uma forma nova agora por que Cristo disse para sermos como criancinhas (Mateus 18:3; Mosias 3:19; entre outras escrituras).  Se Little L. é um exemplo de crianças como um grupo inteiro, elas são rápidas para perdoar e esquecer.  E seu perdão e amor são tão puros....elas não ficam olhando para o passado.  Little L. pode ficar brava comigo mas depois de 10 segundo ela está se acabando de rir, me abraçando e dizendo "I love you, Mommy".

A vida não é fácil.  Estou tentando manter esse blog 100% honesto sobre os altos e baixos da vida, mesmo que algumas coisas sejam mais difíceis de escrever que outras.  Mas eu nunca quero deixar entendido que minha vida é um mundo fictício, com todos os dias perfeitos e felizes, e a casa toda sempre em ordem, e eu sempre calma e feliz.  Essa não é minha realidade.  Minha realidade está cheia de choro e risada, uma casa que acabo de limpar e já está bagunçada novamente, louças sujas que nunca acabam apesar de eu estar sempre lavando, as montanhas de roupas para lavar sempre, sempre tentando ser criativa na cozinha e cozinhar algo novo no almoço (receitas são sempre bem-vindas!!!!), uma lista de coisas para fazer que literalmente tem "beber água" porque se não, eu esqueço....etc.  Minha vida às vezes parece caos. 

Mas aí vem Little L., dizendo "I love you Mommy" e tudo fica bem.  De repente, não importa o quanto "tenho que fazer"....tudo isso pode esperar.  Só preciso parar no momento para amar minha filha, como ela faz.

Aquelas pequenas palavras têm me mudado, e tenho certeza que continuarão a me mudar para sempre.  Elas me fazem querer ser uma pessoa melhor, querer ser a ótima mãe que ela enxerga em mim.  Sei que não posso mudar de um dia para outro, então estou me esforçando para mudar durante....bem, durante a vida toda.  Mas as palavras encorajadoras "I love you Mommy", dia após imperfeito dia, são o que me dá a força para continuar e não desistir.

This whole "Growing up" thing.

I'm not sure how I feel about it.  Today Little L. is clingier than she has been for a while...she is not feeling well.  While it drives me nuts sometimes during the day, I also love that she wants to sit and cuddle with me.  She's so active, it rarely happens anymore!

About 10 days or so ago, Little L. starting putting herself to bed.  She had already been going to sleep on her own for several months, but usually after a few minutes of cuddling.  One night out of the blue, she just pointed to her crib right after bedtime prayer, and went to sleep all by herself.  I was in shock...it was a bittersweet day!  That happened every day after that, for both naps and bedtime, except for like once where she actually wanted to cuddle.

I love seeing Little L. turn into an independent little girl.  I guess that means Husband and I are doing something right!  The whole point of raising children is to teach them to be independent adults, right? 

I guess the Growing Up part is just coming a lot faster than I expected.  Little L. feeds herself, helps herself to snacks, drinks out of a cup a lot of the time, runs around like crazy, talks ALL THE TIME, is learning to use the potty, picks out her own clothes, helps with the household chores....it's all happening so fast!  My dad always says that he wishes we could've stayed 4 years old forever.  With every day that passes and every 10 new words that Little L. learns, I understand more and more this sentiment.  

I love seeing Little L. become the sweet, kind, affectionate little girl she is, but I also miss my little baby.  It is all happening so fast!  It feels like just yesterday I was in labor, just yesterday she spent hours in my arms every day, just yesterday we celebrated her first birthday (and even THAT came too fast!), and all of a sudden, here we are.  She will be 2 in a few short months. 

I thank God every single day for the opportunity to be Little L.'s mommy.  She has taught me so much about unconditional love, trust, and forgiveness.  I just wish that for just one moment, time could stand still so I could enjoy her being this little before I blink and she's grown up!



Não sei como estou sentindo sobre esse negócio de Little L. crescer!  Hoje ela está mais grudada em mim que tem ficado ultimamente...ela não está se sentindo bem.  Enquanto isso me deixa doida em alguns momentos no dia, também adoro que ela quer sentar e ficar juntinha a mim.  Ela é tão ativa, raramente acontece isso!

Uns 10 dias atrás, Little L. começou a se colocar para dormir.  Ela já estava dormindo sozinha por alguns meses, mas sempre depois de ficar no colo uns minutinhos.  Uma noite, do nada, ela apontou para o berço depois de orarmos, e foi dormir sozinha.  Eu fiquei tão surpresa....foi um dia feliz e triste!  Isso aconteceu todos os dias depois daquela noite, tanto para dormir de tarde quanto para dormir à noite, menos uma vez que ela queria ficar um pouco no colo.

Eu adoro ver Little L. tornar-se uma menina independente.  Isso quer dizer que Husband e eu estamos fazendo alguma coisa certa!  O propósito de criar filhos é ensiná-los a serem adultos independents, não é?

Acho que a parte de "crescer e amadurecer" está vindo mais rápido que eu esperava.  Little L. come sozinha, pega merenda sozinha, bebe de um copo normal muitas vezes, corre para todo canto, fala o tempo todo, está aprendendo a usar o vazo sanitário, escolhe suas próprias roupas, ajuda com as tarefas aqui em casa....está acontecendo tudo tão rápido!  Meu pai sempre diz que queria que nós ficássemos com 4 anos para sempre.  Com cada dia que passa e cada 10 palavras novas que Little L. aprende, eu entendo melhor esse sentimento!

Amo ver Little L. ficar essa menininha carinhosa, amorosa, e doce que ela é, mas também sinto falta de minha bebezinha!  Está acontecendo tudo tão rápido!  Sinto como se fosse ontem que eu estava na maternidade, ontem que ela passava horas e horas em meus braços todos os dias, ontem que comemoramos o primeiro aniversário dela (que também chegou rápido demais!), e de repente aqui estamos.  Ela vai fazer 2 aninhos daqui uns meses.

Dou graças a Deus todos os dias pela oportunidade de ser a mamãe de Little L.  Ela me ensina tanto sobre amor incondicional, confiança, e perdão.  Só queria que por apenas um momento, o tempo pudesse parar para que eu pudesse curtir o tamaninho dela antes de eu piscar os olhos e ela crescer!

"You, my friend, are worth saving."

So Husband is out, and Little L. is asleep, and I finished teaching earlier than I expected today....  So I wanted to sit down and write something on here.  I have a few posts started already (this is not one of them!), but those all require a bit of time and energy to finish, neither of which I have at the moment. But I still wanted to write something.

Then I got on facebook (who knows why...), and I saw a post from a good friend of mine, that I wanted to share, because it needs sharing.  More people need to read what I read tonight, because it can make a difference. I have known people all my life who have, at one point or another, struggled with depression.  Some who have thought about, attempted, or even committed suicide.  This is a real illness; not just something that people do to draw attention to themselves.  This is a subject I will come back to in the future for sure.

Tonight I am sharing Carli Hebel's post, because I cannot adequately put into words what she expressed:

"The morning this picture was taken, the sunrise was cold and slow. The colors in the sky, though, were warm and appealing. It's interesting to be able to see loveliness around you and feel so cold when you think you should be feeling warmth. 

When this happens to your emotions, it's not so much "interesting" as it is hellish. And I say hell-ish, not hell, because hell is a permanent thing, and hellish isn't. Keep that in mind.

I've worked in suicide prevention because I've felt depression, because I've contemplated what it would be like for me to not be here. And beyond everything else, I've felt cold when everything around me seemed to be so lovely. And that's lonely. And miserable.

And to you who may feel like this, feel a little hellish, please pause. Just one moment. Sit with me. I promise to sit with you in the cold. I promise this for two reasons. 1. I love you. 2. I know the cold doesn't last forever. The lovely colors can be yours again, inside. Dig in your heels, let out a war cry, let out a cry, cling to whatever good thing you see. I promise you it's worth it.

It's worth holding on. It's worth trying again. But what is "it"? Pain. Ache. Sorrow. Tears. The repetition of the word "hope" when you feel nothing. The "I'll give it one more day." The "sorrys." The breaths you take, even when they hurt. The "maybe tomorrow." The "help me." The prayers. The writhing. The writing. That's what's worth doing. 

Why is it worth doing? Because hellish doesn't last. All that is worth doing because you are more than the darkness. You are light, even when you don't feel it. It's strange, but just trust me. You are light even when others' words can't get through. You are light even when you feel like you're drowning. You are worth saving. 

So sit for a minute, and I'll sit with you if you like. And take a breath. Or five. Or a million. Tell yourself that you are worth saving. Just say it over and over again. Say it until you don't feel as suffocated by darkness. Say it until the feelings of sorrow aren't as intense. Say it until you believe it.

You, my friend, are worth saving."

Carli has a blog, which I will post a link to later when she gets the link to me ;)

I hope that maybe this post has helped someone, or that you can share it with someone who may need or want to hear it right now.  

Husband saiu, e Little L. está dormindo, e eu terminei minhas aulas hoje mais cedo que eu esperava...então eu queria sentar e escrever algo aqui no blog.  Tenho várias posts que já comecei (essa não é uma!), mas todas exigem tempo e energia para terminar, que não tenho agora.  Mas ainda queria escrever alguma coisa.

Eu abri Facebook (não sei por que...), e vi uma post de uma amiga minha, que eu queria compartilhar, porque precisa ser compartilhada.  Mais pessoas precisam ler o que eu li hoje, porque pode fazer uma diferença.  Conheço pessoas minha vida toda que estão lutando com depressão, ou que já lutaram contra depressão.  Algumas que pensaram, tentaram, e até cometerem suicídio.  É uma doença real; não apenas algo que as pessoas fazem para chamar atenção.  É um assunto a qual voltarei no futuro.

Hoje estou compartilhando o que Carli Hebel escreveu, porque eu não consigo adequadamente expressar o que ela escreveu:

"No dia em que essa foto foi tirada, o nascer do sol foi frio e devagar.  As cores no céu, portanto, foram quentes e atraentes.  É interessante poder ver beleza em seu redor quando você se sente frio e quando você pensa que deveria estar sentindo quentura. 

Quando isso acontece com suas emoções, não é tão "interessante" como é infernizante.  Eu digo infernizante, não inferno, porque inferno é uma coisa permanente, e infernizante não é.  Lembre-se disso.

Eu trabalhei em prevenção a suicídio porque eu já senti depressão, porque eu contemplei como seria para eu não estar mais aqui.  E mais que tudo, já senti fria quando tudo em meu redor era encantador.  Isso é solitário.  E miserável.

E para você que possa estar sentindo assim, sentindo infernizante, por favor, pause.  Só um momento.  Sente comigo.  Prometo sentar com você no frio.  Prometo isso por dois motivos.  1. Eu te amo.  2. Eu sei que o frio não dura para sempre.  As cores encantadoras podem ser suas novamente.  Grite, chore, segure qualquer coisa boa que vê.  Prometo que vale a pena. 

Vale a pena segurar.  Vale a pena tentar de novo.  A dor.  A tristeza.  As lágrimas.  A repetição da palavra "esperança" quando você não sente nada.  As palavras "Dou mais um dia."  As vezes que pede desculpa.  A respiração, mesmo quando dói.  As palavras "talvez amanhã"; "Ajuda-me".  As orações.  Tudo vale a pena fazer.

Por que vale a pena?  Porque infernizante não dura.  Tudo isso vale a pena fazer porque você é mais que a escuridão.  Você é luz, mesmo quando não sente assim.  É estranho, mas confie em mim.  Você é luz mesmo quando as palavras de outras pessoas não fazem diferença.  Você é luz mesmo quando sente que está afogando.  Você vale a pena salvar.  

Então sente por um momento, e sentarei com você se quiser.  Respire.  Uma vez.  Cinco vezes.  Um milhão de vezes.  Diga para si mesmo que você vale a pena salvar.  Repita isso, vez após vez.  Repita até você não sentir tão sufocado pela escuridão.  Repita até os sentimentos de tristeza não estiverem tão intensos. Repita até acreditar.

Você, meu amigo, vale a pena salvar."

Carli tem um blog, que colocarei um link aqui quando ela passar para mim.

Espero que talvez essa post tenha ajudado alguém, ou que você possa compartilhar com alguém que esteja precisando ou querendo ouvir isso agora.