This is not the end

Okay guys....this post is honest, open, and really hard to write. The past 3ish weeks have been crazy, and have felt more like a couple months. When I wrote my last post about Christmas,  I knew this would be the next one.

As I begin jotting things down for this, I am sitting on an airplane somewhere over central America and Little L. Is fast asleep in my arms. It is her second birthday....she turned two while sleeping on my lap. So many thoughts about that  (mainly, where has my baby gone?)...but not today. 

On December 26, my mom told me that my paternal grandmother, Nana, was in the hospital. She had some infections, a blockage in her throat making it impossible to swallow anything solid, and a few other complications. My parents and youngest brother went to see her immediately. She chose not to have any treatment, understanding that it meant her days were very limited. In the next couple days, my two other brothers flew out from Alaska to see her. Meanwhile I was extremely upset, at home in Brazil. 

Nana is 99 years old. Logically we all knew that this day had to come. I kept telling myself that as I fell apart. It didn't help. Nothing can truly prepare you for the death of someone you love. My knowledge of and faith in the gospel of Jesus Christ, knowing that my family can be eternal, help soften the blow. But the pain is still there, and it is real.

I sat at home not knowing what to do.  I cried and Little L. tried comforting me with her perfect little hugs and kisses, not understanding at all what was going on.  Husband just let me cry on his shoulder, while internally agonizing over the fact that I was far from my family in this critical moment.  Just out of curiosity, my youngest brother and I began looking at flights from here to NY.  It was all much too expensive...unless I wanted a 40-hour trip through Mexico to get there.  By myself, I'd do it.  But I had Little L. to think about too.  

To make a long story short, over the next few days we had tons of ups and downs.  It finally looked do-able.  Then suddenly the reasonable flight disappeared.  Then the card didn't work when we finally got another good one.  There were so many miracles in such a short few days...and angels.  We truly have angels in our lives, disguised as our friends.  We were finally able to get a relatively inexpensive flight, one that was only 18 hours from start to finish, only one layover.  We would leave here December 31, and stay there until January 12.  The flight back would be insanely long, but I'd deal with that when the time came. 

I cancelled the rest of my classes for the last couple days of the week, and tried to pull myself together.  Just knowing that we'd be going to see my side of the family was HUGE for me.  I don't know why it calmed me down so much; it didn't change the situation.  Nana was still on a liquids-only diet.

She arrived home from the hospital a couple days before Little L. and I arrived on the scene.  By the time we got there, my two brothers were back in Alaska, but the youngest was still there.  He and Little L. have a special bond, so I was glad we'd get a few days with him at least.  He and my parents met us at the airport early on January 1.  Our 2018 had begun on the airplane in São Paulo, before takeoff. 

It was WONDERFUL to see my family again.  And Nana looked so much better than I had been expecting.  Little L. warmed up right away to everyone, and it was adorable to see the special care she took with Nana.  She's a small child, but she had to have some notion of what was going on, because she was so kind and gentle with Nana, playing by her side, holding her hand, etc.  Little L. also absolutely LOVED the snow!

We spent the next 11 days mostly in NY.  We spent the weekend at my parents' house, which was nice.  I got to see my childhood best friend again, and her daughter and Little L. played together as if they hadn't been apart for several months. 

Those 11 days were crazy.  So many emotions in such a short time.  I held myself together surprisingly well.  I think seeing Nana better than I expected helped.  I know the inevitable will come, but at least for a few days, life was back to normal- Nana was okay.  

I think what was hardest on me was seeing Nana get weaker.  Some days she was in exceptionally good condition, but other days she seemed exceptionally weak.  I told her so one day, that she seemed to be doing really well.  She told me it was because Little L. and my parents and I had come back from their house, and were with her again.  The next day my parents went home, and I would be leaving the following day- that was her worst day while I was there.  She was very weak, didn't want to eat/drink too much, and seemed very sad.  That was January 11.

That night, I got the last of my things together for the trip back to Brazil, and then I had to say goodbye to Nana.  I hadn't thought much about that moment.  I saw my youngest brother cry when he said goodbye (he wasn't sticking around New England, he was off on his next adventure), but I hadn't thought about my turn.

It's a moment I don't think I'll ever forget.  It was around 10pm, and Little L. was still awake- she wouldn't go to sleep without me that night.  So we went into the living room and talked with Nana a little.  Little L. hugged her and kissed her and kept saying "I love you, Banana [her name for Nana]".  It was really too bad Nana couldn't hear her.  I went to hug Nana and tell her I love her, and that was the moment I just about lost it.  I started crying, and then tried to hide it, but obviously I couldn't.  And Nana just held onto me like there was no tomorrow. She said some beautiful things to me.

This picture spans 4 generations of Ogdens....it is a treasure!

I think I came back to Brazil half in a daze.  It was a long trip,  but Little L. was an angel on the trip again, which was a huge blessing.  It all still seems so unreal.  I know what's going to happen; I know this was probably the last time I was going to see Nana in this mortal life.  I guess this happened with my great-grandmother, Oma, too.  She passed away when I was 16 years old, and I have subconsciously blocked out the last bit of her life.  I remember when she started to go downhill, and then my memories jump to seeing her early in the day, the day she died.  Mom tells me I was pretty upset about that too, which is probably why I don't remember much.  

And now...I have memories.  Wonderful, sweet, fantastic, amazing memories.  And an eternal future to look forward to.  I am so grateful for the angels in my life who made this trip possible.  One of those angels is my Husband, who wasn't okay until I was on the airplane going to see my family.  I am grateful for Little L. being able to see her great-grandparents again.  Although the circumstances for the trip were less than ideal, I was grateful to see part of my USA family again.  I didn't realize how much I had been needing to see them.

I feel like I have just been word-vomiting here, and I don't know how much I was able to adequately get across.  I'm not even sure why I felt like I needed to write this post.  All I know is I don't have words to describe my feelings and thoughts over the past few weeks.  I hope I've been able to express a fraction of my mind to you!

Nana is a great woman, one of the greatest I know, and deserves to have the world know her greatness.  She is leaving a legacy in her family.

Also, we celebrated Little L.'s birthday a few days early with her grandparents and great-grandparents

Attitude of Gratitude!

I had started to write a post about how it's been 8 years a couple weeks ago since I got my mission call.  And I had a lot to say about that, but then all of a sudden it just didn't feel like what I should be writing about at the moment.  I'm not exactly sure why.

The past couple weeks have been really great, but spotted with some tricky news here and there, that is greatly affecting people we know and love.  I can't go into details, just because it's not my news to share.  These are some of the moments I wish I could do more, though.  I often feel like I can't help people with their problems, just because I don't have the solution, or any way to physically help.  But I guess just knowing that they can confide in me is already a big help.  I know that when I am going through something, just having people to talk to is sometimes what literally gets me through the rough patches.  At least that's how it's been lately.

I am just so grateful for the people God has put in my life.  I don't believe in coincidences, nor do I believe completely in "randomness".  The people who are in my life are not there randomly.  Many of them are angels who have helped me and my family through some of the most difficult days, most of the time without even realizing it.  I always get emotional talking about this, because the last 2 years especially have been full of these kinds of realizations.  2 years ago, my students (more important than being students, they are my friends) threw me a surprise baby shower, at just the right moment.  Months later when Little L. was very small and Husband was at work way too much, they noticed some things we needed in the way of food, and then (without mentioning a word of this to me) showed up late one night with all that, and more.  One of these angels (more recently) tried as hard as she could, with one good connection she had, to get Husband transferred to a better base.  He was, possibly in part due to her efforts.  About a year ago, another student and friend set up a big group class for me at her company.  That worked out for a few months, but even though that ended, I have several current students that began as part of that group.  She has also been our friend through some of the hardest days we've been through recently, and has helped Husband just by listening to him tell his work stories!  Most recently, another new student/friend of mine found out that Little L. wasn't feeling so well, and brought medicine over for her.

I could go on and on about the angels in our life, and there are so many I haven't even mentioned.  I guess what I'm really trying to say is that we need each other, and God knows that....not only does He know it, but He specifically puts people in our lives, exactly when we need them most.  And more often than not, we are forever changed by the people we meet.  I may forget people's names, but I never forget the impact they have had on me.

I have just felt so grateful lately for all the people in my life, and for all the blessings in my life.  Brazil doesn't have Thanksgiving; that is a USA holiday.  But we are going to celebrate it here in our house, and thinking about that has definitely made me stop to think about my blessings more than I usually do.



Eu tinha começado uma post sobre como faz 8 anos (e algumas semanas) desde que eu recebi meu chamado missionário.  Eu tinha muito para falar do assunto, mas de repente não sentia mais que devia escrever sobre aquilo no momento.  Não sei exatamente por quê.

Essas últimas semanas têm sido ótimas, mas também tinha algumas notícias difíceis que estão afetando pessoas que conhecemos e amamos.  Não posso entrar em detalhes, pois não são minhas notícias para compartilhar ou falar.  São os momentos que eu queria que eu pudesse fazer mais.  Frequentemente sinto que não posso ajudar as pessoas com seus problemas, porque eu não tenho a solução e nem um meio físico para ajudar.  Mas acho que só saber que podem confiar em mim já é uma grande ajuda.  Sei que quando eu estou passando por alguma coisa, só saber que posso conversar com alguém às vezes é literalmente o que me leva pelos momentos mais difíceis.  E tem sido assim ultimamente.

Sou tão grata pelas pessoas que Deus tem colocado em minha vida.  Eu não acredito em coincidências, nem em "por acaso".  As pessoas que estão na minha vida não estão aqui por acaso  Muitas delas são anjos que têm ajudado minha família passar por alguns dos momentos mais difíceis, muitas vezes sem nem saber disso.  Eu sempre me emociono falando disso, porque principalmente os últimos 2 anos têm sido cheios desses anjos.  2 anos atrás, minhas alunas (e mais importante, minhas amigas), fizeram um chá de bebê de surpresa, no momento certo.  Meses depois, quando Little L. era bem pequena e Husband estava trabalhando demais, elas perceberam que faltamos algumas coisas em casa, e aí (sem falar comigo), apareceram na minha casa tarde uma noite com tudo que faltava, e mais.  Um desse anjos (mais recentemente), tentou tudo que ela podia, com um conhecido dela, para que Husband fosse transferido para um lugar melhor.  Ele foi, talvez em parte por causa do esforço dela.  Um ano atrás, uma outra aluna/amiga nova arranjou para eu dar aula na empresa onde ela trabalha, para um grupo de alunos.  Deu certo durante alguns meses, e apesar de ter acabado, tenho vários alunos hoje por causa daquele grupo.  Ela também tem sido nossa amiga durante alguns dos dias mais complicados ultimamente, e ajuda Husband só escutando ele desabafar! Mais recentemente, uma nova aluna/amiga descobriu que Little L. não estava sentindo bem, e trouxe remédio para ela, do nada assim.

Eu poderia continuar a falar sobre os anjos em nossa vida, e tem tantos que nem mencionei ainda.  Acho que o que estou querendo dizer é que precisamos uns dos outros, e Deus sabe disso...não apenas sabe, mas Ele coloca as pessoas em nossa vida, exatamente quando mais precisamos delas.  E a maioria das vezes, somos mudados para sempre pelas pessoas que conhecemos.  Talvez eu esqueça os nomes das pessoas, mas jamais esqueço o impacto que têm em mim.

Só tenho sentido cheia de gratidão ultimamente pelas pessoas e bênçãos em minha vida.  Aqui no Brasil não temos Ação de Graças, pois é um feriado americano.  Mas aqui em casa iremos comemorar, e pensar em tudo isso com certeza me fez pensar em minhas bênçãos mais que normal.