This is not the end

Okay guys....this post is honest, open, and really hard to write. The past 3ish weeks have been crazy, and have felt more like a couple months. When I wrote my last post about Christmas,  I knew this would be the next one.

As I begin jotting things down for this, I am sitting on an airplane somewhere over central America and Little L. Is fast asleep in my arms. It is her second birthday....she turned two while sleeping on my lap. So many thoughts about that  (mainly, where has my baby gone?)...but not today. 

On December 26, my mom told me that my paternal grandmother, Nana, was in the hospital. She had some infections, a blockage in her throat making it impossible to swallow anything solid, and a few other complications. My parents and youngest brother went to see her immediately. She chose not to have any treatment, understanding that it meant her days were very limited. In the next couple days, my two other brothers flew out from Alaska to see her. Meanwhile I was extremely upset, at home in Brazil. 

Nana is 99 years old. Logically we all knew that this day had to come. I kept telling myself that as I fell apart. It didn't help. Nothing can truly prepare you for the death of someone you love. My knowledge of and faith in the gospel of Jesus Christ, knowing that my family can be eternal, help soften the blow. But the pain is still there, and it is real.

I sat at home not knowing what to do.  I cried and Little L. tried comforting me with her perfect little hugs and kisses, not understanding at all what was going on.  Husband just let me cry on his shoulder, while internally agonizing over the fact that I was far from my family in this critical moment.  Just out of curiosity, my youngest brother and I began looking at flights from here to NY.  It was all much too expensive...unless I wanted a 40-hour trip through Mexico to get there.  By myself, I'd do it.  But I had Little L. to think about too.  

To make a long story short, over the next few days we had tons of ups and downs.  It finally looked do-able.  Then suddenly the reasonable flight disappeared.  Then the card didn't work when we finally got another good one.  There were so many miracles in such a short few days...and angels.  We truly have angels in our lives, disguised as our friends.  We were finally able to get a relatively inexpensive flight, one that was only 18 hours from start to finish, only one layover.  We would leave here December 31, and stay there until January 12.  The flight back would be insanely long, but I'd deal with that when the time came. 

I cancelled the rest of my classes for the last couple days of the week, and tried to pull myself together.  Just knowing that we'd be going to see my side of the family was HUGE for me.  I don't know why it calmed me down so much; it didn't change the situation.  Nana was still on a liquids-only diet.

She arrived home from the hospital a couple days before Little L. and I arrived on the scene.  By the time we got there, my two brothers were back in Alaska, but the youngest was still there.  He and Little L. have a special bond, so I was glad we'd get a few days with him at least.  He and my parents met us at the airport early on January 1.  Our 2018 had begun on the airplane in São Paulo, before takeoff. 

It was WONDERFUL to see my family again.  And Nana looked so much better than I had been expecting.  Little L. warmed up right away to everyone, and it was adorable to see the special care she took with Nana.  She's a small child, but she had to have some notion of what was going on, because she was so kind and gentle with Nana, playing by her side, holding her hand, etc.  Little L. also absolutely LOVED the snow!

We spent the next 11 days mostly in NY.  We spent the weekend at my parents' house, which was nice.  I got to see my childhood best friend again, and her daughter and Little L. played together as if they hadn't been apart for several months. 

Those 11 days were crazy.  So many emotions in such a short time.  I held myself together surprisingly well.  I think seeing Nana better than I expected helped.  I know the inevitable will come, but at least for a few days, life was back to normal- Nana was okay.  

I think what was hardest on me was seeing Nana get weaker.  Some days she was in exceptionally good condition, but other days she seemed exceptionally weak.  I told her so one day, that she seemed to be doing really well.  She told me it was because Little L. and my parents and I had come back from their house, and were with her again.  The next day my parents went home, and I would be leaving the following day- that was her worst day while I was there.  She was very weak, didn't want to eat/drink too much, and seemed very sad.  That was January 11.

That night, I got the last of my things together for the trip back to Brazil, and then I had to say goodbye to Nana.  I hadn't thought much about that moment.  I saw my youngest brother cry when he said goodbye (he wasn't sticking around New England, he was off on his next adventure), but I hadn't thought about my turn.

It's a moment I don't think I'll ever forget.  It was around 10pm, and Little L. was still awake- she wouldn't go to sleep without me that night.  So we went into the living room and talked with Nana a little.  Little L. hugged her and kissed her and kept saying "I love you, Banana [her name for Nana]".  It was really too bad Nana couldn't hear her.  I went to hug Nana and tell her I love her, and that was the moment I just about lost it.  I started crying, and then tried to hide it, but obviously I couldn't.  And Nana just held onto me like there was no tomorrow. She said some beautiful things to me.

This picture spans 4 generations of Ogdens....it is a treasure!

I think I came back to Brazil half in a daze.  It was a long trip,  but Little L. was an angel on the trip again, which was a huge blessing.  It all still seems so unreal.  I know what's going to happen; I know this was probably the last time I was going to see Nana in this mortal life.  I guess this happened with my great-grandmother, Oma, too.  She passed away when I was 16 years old, and I have subconsciously blocked out the last bit of her life.  I remember when she started to go downhill, and then my memories jump to seeing her early in the day, the day she died.  Mom tells me I was pretty upset about that too, which is probably why I don't remember much.  

And now...I have memories.  Wonderful, sweet, fantastic, amazing memories.  And an eternal future to look forward to.  I am so grateful for the angels in my life who made this trip possible.  One of those angels is my Husband, who wasn't okay until I was on the airplane going to see my family.  I am grateful for Little L. being able to see her great-grandparents again.  Although the circumstances for the trip were less than ideal, I was grateful to see part of my USA family again.  I didn't realize how much I had been needing to see them.

I feel like I have just been word-vomiting here, and I don't know how much I was able to adequately get across.  I'm not even sure why I felt like I needed to write this post.  All I know is I don't have words to describe my feelings and thoughts over the past few weeks.  I hope I've been able to express a fraction of my mind to you!

Nana is a great woman, one of the greatest I know, and deserves to have the world know her greatness.  She is leaving a legacy in her family.

Also, we celebrated Little L.'s birthday a few days early with her grandparents and great-grandparents

Attitude of Gratitude!

I had started to write a post about how it's been 8 years a couple weeks ago since I got my mission call.  And I had a lot to say about that, but then all of a sudden it just didn't feel like what I should be writing about at the moment.  I'm not exactly sure why.

The past couple weeks have been really great, but spotted with some tricky news here and there, that is greatly affecting people we know and love.  I can't go into details, just because it's not my news to share.  These are some of the moments I wish I could do more, though.  I often feel like I can't help people with their problems, just because I don't have the solution, or any way to physically help.  But I guess just knowing that they can confide in me is already a big help.  I know that when I am going through something, just having people to talk to is sometimes what literally gets me through the rough patches.  At least that's how it's been lately.

I am just so grateful for the people God has put in my life.  I don't believe in coincidences, nor do I believe completely in "randomness".  The people who are in my life are not there randomly.  Many of them are angels who have helped me and my family through some of the most difficult days, most of the time without even realizing it.  I always get emotional talking about this, because the last 2 years especially have been full of these kinds of realizations.  2 years ago, my students (more important than being students, they are my friends) threw me a surprise baby shower, at just the right moment.  Months later when Little L. was very small and Husband was at work way too much, they noticed some things we needed in the way of food, and then (without mentioning a word of this to me) showed up late one night with all that, and more.  One of these angels (more recently) tried as hard as she could, with one good connection she had, to get Husband transferred to a better base.  He was, possibly in part due to her efforts.  About a year ago, another student and friend set up a big group class for me at her company.  That worked out for a few months, but even though that ended, I have several current students that began as part of that group.  She has also been our friend through some of the hardest days we've been through recently, and has helped Husband just by listening to him tell his work stories!  Most recently, another new student/friend of mine found out that Little L. wasn't feeling so well, and brought medicine over for her.

I could go on and on about the angels in our life, and there are so many I haven't even mentioned.  I guess what I'm really trying to say is that we need each other, and God knows that....not only does He know it, but He specifically puts people in our lives, exactly when we need them most.  And more often than not, we are forever changed by the people we meet.  I may forget people's names, but I never forget the impact they have had on me.

I have just felt so grateful lately for all the people in my life, and for all the blessings in my life.  Brazil doesn't have Thanksgiving; that is a USA holiday.  But we are going to celebrate it here in our house, and thinking about that has definitely made me stop to think about my blessings more than I usually do.



Eu tinha começado uma post sobre como faz 8 anos (e algumas semanas) desde que eu recebi meu chamado missionário.  Eu tinha muito para falar do assunto, mas de repente não sentia mais que devia escrever sobre aquilo no momento.  Não sei exatamente por quê.

Essas últimas semanas têm sido ótimas, mas também tinha algumas notícias difíceis que estão afetando pessoas que conhecemos e amamos.  Não posso entrar em detalhes, pois não são minhas notícias para compartilhar ou falar.  São os momentos que eu queria que eu pudesse fazer mais.  Frequentemente sinto que não posso ajudar as pessoas com seus problemas, porque eu não tenho a solução e nem um meio físico para ajudar.  Mas acho que só saber que podem confiar em mim já é uma grande ajuda.  Sei que quando eu estou passando por alguma coisa, só saber que posso conversar com alguém às vezes é literalmente o que me leva pelos momentos mais difíceis.  E tem sido assim ultimamente.

Sou tão grata pelas pessoas que Deus tem colocado em minha vida.  Eu não acredito em coincidências, nem em "por acaso".  As pessoas que estão na minha vida não estão aqui por acaso  Muitas delas são anjos que têm ajudado minha família passar por alguns dos momentos mais difíceis, muitas vezes sem nem saber disso.  Eu sempre me emociono falando disso, porque principalmente os últimos 2 anos têm sido cheios desses anjos.  2 anos atrás, minhas alunas (e mais importante, minhas amigas), fizeram um chá de bebê de surpresa, no momento certo.  Meses depois, quando Little L. era bem pequena e Husband estava trabalhando demais, elas perceberam que faltamos algumas coisas em casa, e aí (sem falar comigo), apareceram na minha casa tarde uma noite com tudo que faltava, e mais.  Um desse anjos (mais recentemente), tentou tudo que ela podia, com um conhecido dela, para que Husband fosse transferido para um lugar melhor.  Ele foi, talvez em parte por causa do esforço dela.  Um ano atrás, uma outra aluna/amiga nova arranjou para eu dar aula na empresa onde ela trabalha, para um grupo de alunos.  Deu certo durante alguns meses, e apesar de ter acabado, tenho vários alunos hoje por causa daquele grupo.  Ela também tem sido nossa amiga durante alguns dos dias mais complicados ultimamente, e ajuda Husband só escutando ele desabafar! Mais recentemente, uma nova aluna/amiga descobriu que Little L. não estava sentindo bem, e trouxe remédio para ela, do nada assim.

Eu poderia continuar a falar sobre os anjos em nossa vida, e tem tantos que nem mencionei ainda.  Acho que o que estou querendo dizer é que precisamos uns dos outros, e Deus sabe disso...não apenas sabe, mas Ele coloca as pessoas em nossa vida, exatamente quando mais precisamos delas.  E a maioria das vezes, somos mudados para sempre pelas pessoas que conhecemos.  Talvez eu esqueça os nomes das pessoas, mas jamais esqueço o impacto que têm em mim.

Só tenho sentido cheia de gratidão ultimamente pelas pessoas e bênçãos em minha vida.  Aqui no Brasil não temos Ação de Graças, pois é um feriado americano.  Mas aqui em casa iremos comemorar, e pensar em tudo isso com certeza me fez pensar em minhas bênçãos mais que normal.

Projects, Parties, and Plans

So I'm sitting down to write this post, and if I'm being perfectly honest with you and with myself, I'm not sure what direction it's going to take.  I have been pretty busy lately with several projects.  So today's post is going to really be just ramblings...

At church, I am the institute teacher, and have been for 3 years.  (For those unfamiliar with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, let me explain... all the local leadership, teachers, etc. are non-paid.  We members get what are called "callings", which is an opportunity to serve in  a specific position.  There's no time limit; so I don't know how long I will be in this position.  Institute is a religious study program.  It follows the local university semesters, and each semester is one course, worth two credits.  A person needs 14 credits to graduate.  Missed classes can be made up, as in any secular course.  There are reading assignments associated with each class, and an evaluation at the end of the semester.  This semester, the course we are doing is called The Eternal Family.)  I absolutely love this calling.  I have learned so much, and I hope I have been able to help someone else along the way.  This is a busy calling; more than just what my students see on Saturday nights in class.  Especially now where there is only a month left in the semester, I have a lot to do before the end, especially because graduation is in December, and I need to see who of my students is going to (or potentially could, with some extra work) graduate this year.  So I am always studying for classes, making up make-up exercises for missed classes, reading make-up work that has been done and turned in, working with students who are doing home-study because they can't make it to class on Saturdays, working with students who are missing just a few classes before they can graduate, etc.  Oh, and I have monthly training meetings.  So there ya have it; a small window into the life of an institute teacher.  But I love it.  And I have a couple students who help me out with the paperwork part, which takes a load off me.

One of my other projects.  So I'm sure most of you know that I am trying to light a fire under my business here.  You've all seen the Instagram and Facebook posts, with terrible-quality cell phone pictures (and some actually good pictures) of sweets I've been making.  Husband and I felt that we should really get this business moving, so we have started to do just that this month.  I will be making some mini apple pies for a party in a couple weeks.  I have a student (an angel, really!) who brings my sweets to work with her and sells them there for me.  I am designing a business card, which will be one of those "buy 8 get the ninth free" cards, to try to bring in some more business.  I already have a few places in mind that I could leave my card; I need to talk to the business owners (It's nice living in a small enough city that I actually know several business owners).  Right now I am just trying to get the word out!

And lastly, I am planning a Halloween Party/Giant Conversation Class for October 31, here at home. I am going to invite all my past, present, and potential students.  Obviously, I will be making the snacks for that, which will help the business get out there too.  I am still teaching a bunch, but this month has been a little slower due to holidays and work trips.  I am hoping that things will pick up again next week, but I also know the tendency is to die down from now until mid-February or so.  Which is why I really need the sweets to pick up!

In other news, Little L. is hysterical.  I can't even begin to describe all the hilarious things she does every day.  She cracks us up so much, and I love (99% of the time) her constant chatter, narrating her entire life to anyone who will listen.  It's adorable when either Husband or I are out, and then come home....she has to tell about everything that happened!  And now while we can't understand her babble, because her babble is splattered with actual words (both English and Portuguese!), we can get the gist of what she's talking about.  It's adorable.  Plus she is just so sweet.  I had a rough day a few days ago, and she noticed...she came over and hugged me and just kept telling me "it's okay" ("passou").  That brought other tears to my eyes, seeing just how loving this little person is.  She is such a blessing in our life.

Então, estou aqui escrevendo essa post, mas se estou sendo sincera com vocês e comigo mesma, não tenho a mínima idéia qual direção vai tomar.  Tenho andado bastante ocupada ultimamente com vários projetos.  Então a post de hoje vai ser só meus pensamentos sem sentido mesmo...

Na Igreja, sou a professora do Instituto, e tenho sido por 3 anos.  (Para vocês que não conhecem a Igreja de Jesus Cristo dos Santos dos Últimos dias, vou explicar...toda a liderança local, professores, etc. são voluntários.  Nós membros recebemos "chamados", que são oportunidades para servir em uma posição específica.  Não há um limite de tempo; então eu não sei até quando vou ficar nessa posição.  O Instituto é um programa de estudo religioso.  Segue os semestres das universidades locais, e cada semestre é um curso, valendo 2 créditos.  A pessoa precisa de 14 créditos para se formar.  Aulas perdidas podem ser recuperadas, como qualquer curso secular.  Tem designações de leitura para acompanhar cada aula, e uma avaliação no final do semestre.  Esse semestre, o nosso curso aqui é A Família Eterna.)  Eu adoro esse chamado.  Tenho aprendido tanto, e espero poder ter ajudado alguém ao longo do caminho.  É um chamado bastante corrido; mais que meus alunos vêem nas aulas nos sábados.  Principalmente agora, onde falta apenas 1 mês no semestre, e tenho muito a fazer antes do final, ainda mais porque a formatura vai ser em dezembro, e preciso ver quem de meus alunos vai (ou poderia, com um pouco mais de trabalho) formar-se esse ano.  Estou sempre estudando para a próxima aula, elaborando atividades de recuperação para aulas perdidas, lendo recuperações já feitas e entregues, trabalhando com alunos que estudam em casa por não poderem comparecer aos sábados, trabalhando com alunos que faltam pouco para se formar, etc.  Ah, também tenho treinamentos cada mês.  Aí está, uma janelinha para a vida de uma professora do Instituto!  Mas eu adoro isso.  E tenho alguns alunos que me ajudam, que me alivia um pouco,

Um dos meus outros projetos.  Tenho certeza que todos já sabem que estou tentando melhorar meu negócio aqui.  Vocês todos já viram as posts no Facebook e Instagram, com as fotos de qualidade baixa do celular (e algumas fotos boas também!) dos doces que tenho feito.  Husband e eu sentimos que devíamos focar mais nesse negócio, então temos começado isso esse mês de outubro.  Estarei fazendo umas tortinhas de maçã para uma festa daqui a 2 semanas.  Tenho uma aluna (um anjo, na verdade!) que leva meus doces para o trabalho dela e vende lá.  Eu estou fazendo cartões de visita, que também serão cartões de fidelidade daqueles "compre 8 e ganhe o nono", para tentar atrair mais clientes.  Já tenho algumas idéias de onde posso deixar os cartões; só preciso falar com os empresários (É bom morar numa cidadezinha onde conheço vários donos de empresas ou negócios locais!). 

E por último, estou planejando uma festa de Halloween/Aulão de conversação para dia 31 de outubro, aqui em casa.  Irei convidar todos meus alunos atuais, antigos, e em potencial.  Claro, estarei fazendo doces para isso também, para o negócio ficar mais conhecido.  Ainda estou dando bastante aulas, mas esse último mês, várias aulas têm caído, devido a feriados e viagens.  Espero que as coisas melhorem semana que vem, mas também sei que a tendência é cair bastante até o meio de fevereiro.  Por isso preciso mesmo vender mais doces!

Em outras novidades, Little L. é hilária.  Não consigo nem começar a descrever todas as coisas engraçadas que ela faz todos os dias.  Dou tanto risada com ela, e adoro (99% do tempo) a conversa constante dela, narrando a vida toda a qualquer pessoa que queira escutar.  É bonitinho quando ou eu ou Husband está fora, e chega em casa....ela tem que contar tudo que aconteceu!  E enquanto não entendamos a língua dela, agora a conversa dela também tem palavras (tanto inglês quanto português) misturadas, e dá para entendermos basicamente o que ela está dizendo.  Além disso, ela é amorosa.  Alguns dias atrás, tive um dia difícil, e ela percebeu....ela veio e me abraçou e só ficava falando "passou".  Isso me trouxe outras lágrimas, vendo o quanto essa pessoinha é perfeita e amorosa.  Ela é uma enorme bênção em nossa vida.  

We wash and reuse our ziploc bags...

...until they literally wear out.  Or get lost.

So, I had been thinking about what I could write about here that might be interesting about my life in Brazil....since so far, my ramblings haven't had much to do with this specific aspect of my life!

Let me make a short list of some things I may or may not stock up on and bring home, when I am in the States visiting family...

• ziploc bags (I had to buy one once in the airport in Recife, and just ONE BAG cost me R$4!)
• tampons (you can actually get those here, but they are REALLY expensive when you can actually find them)
• Ranch dressing mix
• taco seasoning
• nutmeg (I can get that here too no problem, but it is a fraction of the price in the USA...and since it's small, it's totally worth it!)
• post-it notes (again, now they are actually find-able here...but expensive.)
• peanut butter
• maple syrup (found it here in my small city!  We may have to splurge and get some for Christmas...)
• Reese's peanut butter cups (those are Husband's favorites, so I can't come home without a huge bag of them....and then they also show up in Christmas boxes from my family)
• my favorite perfume from Bath & Body Works!!
• books, toys, and clothes for Little L. (obviously, those are all available here.  But even with the exchange rate, I save a ton of money by bringing an empty suitcase and stocking up for a year when I am visiting my parents)

And other random thoughts:

• I don't own a vacuum cleaner...
• ...or a dryer...
• ....or a lawnmower...
• ...or an A/C...
• ...or a heater....
• ...or even a microwave...
• ...and when power goes out, I can still cook, because my stove and oven are gas.
• Electricity is expensive...I can't imagine how high my electric bill would be if I had all those appliances!  It's interesting...I've found that I don't even really miss any of them.

Anyway, there's a start to this project. ;)  Just a reminder, though, that I am in no way generalizing about life in Brazil, or even about life in the city where I live.  This is my personal experience.  Everyone is different; I know people with dryers, A/Cs, microwaves (are really common; we just don't have one), vacuum cleaners, heaters (though less in this region than down south), etc.  Some of the other things I buy in the USA are also accessible in other cities, more than where I live.  My city is a small, interior city, with not a ton of options.  And since gas fluctuates from R$3.45 to R$4.20 per liter (in the same month, it can fluctuate that much.  In a week, actually.), we don't travel often to the bigger cities just to get unnecessary things!  Stay tuned for more, as I think of it!

Nós lavamos e re-usamos saquinhos de ziploc...até acabarem.  Ou perdem-se.

Então, eu estava pensando no que eu poderia escrever aqui que possa ser interessante sobre minha vida no Brasil....porque até agora, minhas posts não têm muito a ver com essa parte da minha vida!

Vou fazer uma listinha de algumas coisas que compro (ou não....) quando estou visitando meus pais nos EUA, para trazer para casa...

• saquinhos de ziploc (Eu tive que comprar um uma vez no aeroporto de Recife, e apenas UM SAQUINHO custou R$4,00!)
• tampons (na verdade, pode comprar aqui, mas são muito caros quando consegue achá-los)
• molho de salada Ranch
• tempero de tacos
• noz moscada (dá para comprar aqui, sem problema, mas é bem mais barato nos EUA....e como é pequena, dá para trazer sem problema, e vale a pena!)
• bilhetinhos de post-it (novamente, dá para achar aqui...mas caro)
• pasta de amendoim
• maple (achei aqui na minha cidadezinha!  Talvez teremos que guardar dinheiro só para comprar isso no Natal!)
• Reese's (é o doce preferido de Husband, então não posso voltar para casa sem um saco bem grande de Reese's...e sempre aparecem também em caixas de Natal da minha família!)
• meu perfume preferido, de Bath&Body Works
• livros, brinquedos, e roupas para Little L.  (claro, tudo disponível aqui.  Mas mesmo com o câmbio, economizo bastante quando levo uma mala vazia e compro tudo para um ano quando visito meus pais)

E alguns outros pensamentos...

• Não tenho um aspirador...
• ...nem secador de roupas...
• ...nem cortador de grama...
• ...nem ar condicionado...
• ...nem aquecedor...
• ...nem microondas....
• ...e quando falta energia, ainda posso cozinhar, porque meu fogão e forno são de gás.
• Eletricidade é cara...não consigo imaginar quanto pagaríamos se eu tivesse todos esses eletrodomésticos!  É interessante...vi que nem sinto falta deles.

Mas é isso aí, o começo desse projeto. ;)  Só para lembrar, não estou generalizando nada sobre o Brasil, nem sobre a vida no Brasil, e nem sobre a vida na cidade onde moro.  Estou contando apenas minha experiência pessoal.  Todos são diferentes; conheço pessoas com secadores de roupas, ar condicionado, microondas (muito comum; só não temos), aspiradores, aquecedores (menos nessa região do que no sul), etc.  Algumas das coisas que compro nos EUA são acessíveis em outras cidades, mais do que onde eu moro.  Minha cidade é pequena, do interior, sem muitas opções.  E como o preço de combustível muda de R$3,45 para R$4,20 por litro (no mesmo mês, muda assim.  Em uma semana, na verdade), não viajamos para as cidades maiores só para comprar coisas desnecessárias.  Fique ligado para mais, quando eu pensar em mais!