Death gives rise to hope.

A morte leva à esperança.

On June 1, 2010, I was a missionary in São Paulo.  My uncle had had cancer for a while, but in all the news I’d received from home, things were looking up.  He was doing better.  On this day, however, my mission president called me and informed me that Uncle Eddie had passed away that morning.  He gave me the option of calling home if I wanted to (missionaries generally only call home on Mothers’ Day and Christmas).  

Dia 1 de junho de 2010, eu era uma missionária em São Paulo.  Meu tio tinha cancer durante um tempo, mas em todas as notícias que eu estava recebendo de minha família, ele estava bem.  Neste dia, portanto, meu presidente de missão me ligou e me informou que Uncle Eddie tinha falecido aquela manhã.  Ele me deu a opção de ligar para casa se eu quisesse (geralmente os missionários só ligam para casa no Dia das Mães e no Natal).

On May 24, 2018, I was in Recife spending a week at the temple there. As you all know from my last post (a few months ago), Nana had taken a turn for the worse at the end of 2017.  Since then, however, she’d gotten stronger, and had made some improvements. On this day, however, I got a phone call from my parents informing me that Nana had passed away that morning.

No dia 24 de maio de 2018, eu estava em Recife passando uma semana no templo.  Como vocês sabem da minha última post (alguns meses atrás), Nana tinha piorado de saúde no final de 2017.  Desde então, ela tinha ficado mais forte, estava melhorando.  Neste dia, portanto, recebi uma ligação de meus pais me informando que Nana tinha falecido aquela manhã.

As I have been reflecting over the last few days, these situations are similar.  Both passings were expected, and yet unexpected at that moment.  And for both, I was in the best possible place I could be.  What a blessing!

Enquanto tenho refletido nos últimos dias, vejo que essas situações se parecem.  Ambos os falecimentos foram esperados, mas não naquele momento.  E para os 2, eu estava no melhor lugar que eu podia estar.  Que bênção!

When I heard the news about Uncle Eddie as a young missionary, I cried.  We ate ice cream and brownies that day.  I studied a bit about what happens after death, and took comfort in my knowledge of the Plan of Salvation- I would one day be together with all my family members again.  Although sad, as a normal human would be, I knew I was going to be okay.  I did call home, mostly to see how my family was doing with this turn of events.  They too were upset, but they were okay too.

Quando soube de Uncle Eddie como uma jovem missionária, eu chorei.  Tomamos sorvete e comemos brownie naquele dia.  Estudei bastante sobre o que acontece após a morte, e encontrei conforto no meu conhecimento do Plano de Salvação- um dia eu estaria com toda minha família novamente.  Apesar de triste, como um ser humano normal ficaria, eu sabia que eu ficaria bem.  Eu liguei para casa, mais para saber como minha família estava.  Eles também estavam triste, mas também ficariam bem.

Last week when I heard about Nana, I cried again.  A lot. But the next day I was able to spend some time in the temple, and reflect upon everything I have learned up to this point in my life.  Death is not the end.  Nana was reunited with her parents, and many others who passed on before her…and even some she had always wanted to meet.  She was okay; I am okay.  

Semana passada quando eu soube de Nana, eu chorei novamente.  Bastante.  Mas no próximo dia, eu tive o privilégio de passar um tempo no templo, refletindo em tudo que tenho aprendido na minha vida até agora.  A morte não é o fim.  Nana foi reunida com os pais dela, e muitos outros que faleceram antes dela….e até algumas pessoas que ela sempre queria conhecer.  Ela está bem; eu estou bem.

I can’t put into words all the feelings and emotions I’ve had the past few days, and 8 years ago too, but I can say one thing that I hope touches somebody reading this:  I KNOW, without the smallest doubt, that families are meant to be together forever.  PLEASE learn about this, and PLEASE find hope in Heavenly Father’s plan.

Não posso colocar em palavras todos os sentimentos e emoções que venho sentindo nesses últimos dias, e 8 anos atrás também, mas eu posso dizer uma coisa que eu espero que toque alguém lendo isso:  Eu SEI, sem dúvida nenhuma, que as famílias foram feitas para ser eternas.  POR FAVOR, aprender sobre isso, e POR FAVOR, encontre esperança no plano do Pai Celestial.

me with Uncle Eddie and Aunt Tracy, back in July 2007

Nana, clearly overjoyed at the whole family being together for Christmas 2004

This is not the end

Okay guys....this post is honest, open, and really hard to write. The past 3ish weeks have been crazy, and have felt more like a couple months. When I wrote my last post about Christmas,  I knew this would be the next one.

As I begin jotting things down for this, I am sitting on an airplane somewhere over central America and Little L. Is fast asleep in my arms. It is her second birthday....she turned two while sleeping on my lap. So many thoughts about that  (mainly, where has my baby gone?)...but not today. 

On December 26, my mom told me that my paternal grandmother, Nana, was in the hospital. She had some infections, a blockage in her throat making it impossible to swallow anything solid, and a few other complications. My parents and youngest brother went to see her immediately. She chose not to have any treatment, understanding that it meant her days were very limited. In the next couple days, my two other brothers flew out from Alaska to see her. Meanwhile I was extremely upset, at home in Brazil. 

Nana is 99 years old. Logically we all knew that this day had to come. I kept telling myself that as I fell apart. It didn't help. Nothing can truly prepare you for the death of someone you love. My knowledge of and faith in the gospel of Jesus Christ, knowing that my family can be eternal, help soften the blow. But the pain is still there, and it is real.

I sat at home not knowing what to do.  I cried and Little L. tried comforting me with her perfect little hugs and kisses, not understanding at all what was going on.  Husband just let me cry on his shoulder, while internally agonizing over the fact that I was far from my family in this critical moment.  Just out of curiosity, my youngest brother and I began looking at flights from here to NY.  It was all much too expensive...unless I wanted a 40-hour trip through Mexico to get there.  By myself, I'd do it.  But I had Little L. to think about too.  

To make a long story short, over the next few days we had tons of ups and downs.  It finally looked do-able.  Then suddenly the reasonable flight disappeared.  Then the card didn't work when we finally got another good one.  There were so many miracles in such a short few days...and angels.  We truly have angels in our lives, disguised as our friends.  We were finally able to get a relatively inexpensive flight, one that was only 18 hours from start to finish, only one layover.  We would leave here December 31, and stay there until January 12.  The flight back would be insanely long, but I'd deal with that when the time came. 

I cancelled the rest of my classes for the last couple days of the week, and tried to pull myself together.  Just knowing that we'd be going to see my side of the family was HUGE for me.  I don't know why it calmed me down so much; it didn't change the situation.  Nana was still on a liquids-only diet.

She arrived home from the hospital a couple days before Little L. and I arrived on the scene.  By the time we got there, my two brothers were back in Alaska, but the youngest was still there.  He and Little L. have a special bond, so I was glad we'd get a few days with him at least.  He and my parents met us at the airport early on January 1.  Our 2018 had begun on the airplane in São Paulo, before takeoff. 

It was WONDERFUL to see my family again.  And Nana looked so much better than I had been expecting.  Little L. warmed up right away to everyone, and it was adorable to see the special care she took with Nana.  She's a small child, but she had to have some notion of what was going on, because she was so kind and gentle with Nana, playing by her side, holding her hand, etc.  Little L. also absolutely LOVED the snow!

We spent the next 11 days mostly in NY.  We spent the weekend at my parents' house, which was nice.  I got to see my childhood best friend again, and her daughter and Little L. played together as if they hadn't been apart for several months. 

Those 11 days were crazy.  So many emotions in such a short time.  I held myself together surprisingly well.  I think seeing Nana better than I expected helped.  I know the inevitable will come, but at least for a few days, life was back to normal- Nana was okay.  

I think what was hardest on me was seeing Nana get weaker.  Some days she was in exceptionally good condition, but other days she seemed exceptionally weak.  I told her so one day, that she seemed to be doing really well.  She told me it was because Little L. and my parents and I had come back from their house, and were with her again.  The next day my parents went home, and I would be leaving the following day- that was her worst day while I was there.  She was very weak, didn't want to eat/drink too much, and seemed very sad.  That was January 11.

That night, I got the last of my things together for the trip back to Brazil, and then I had to say goodbye to Nana.  I hadn't thought much about that moment.  I saw my youngest brother cry when he said goodbye (he wasn't sticking around New England, he was off on his next adventure), but I hadn't thought about my turn.

It's a moment I don't think I'll ever forget.  It was around 10pm, and Little L. was still awake- she wouldn't go to sleep without me that night.  So we went into the living room and talked with Nana a little.  Little L. hugged her and kissed her and kept saying "I love you, Banana [her name for Nana]".  It was really too bad Nana couldn't hear her.  I went to hug Nana and tell her I love her, and that was the moment I just about lost it.  I started crying, and then tried to hide it, but obviously I couldn't.  And Nana just held onto me like there was no tomorrow. She said some beautiful things to me.

This picture spans 4 generations of Ogdens....it is a treasure!

I think I came back to Brazil half in a daze.  It was a long trip,  but Little L. was an angel on the trip again, which was a huge blessing.  It all still seems so unreal.  I know what's going to happen; I know this was probably the last time I was going to see Nana in this mortal life.  I guess this happened with my great-grandmother, Oma, too.  She passed away when I was 16 years old, and I have subconsciously blocked out the last bit of her life.  I remember when she started to go downhill, and then my memories jump to seeing her early in the day, the day she died.  Mom tells me I was pretty upset about that too, which is probably why I don't remember much.  

And now...I have memories.  Wonderful, sweet, fantastic, amazing memories.  And an eternal future to look forward to.  I am so grateful for the angels in my life who made this trip possible.  One of those angels is my Husband, who wasn't okay until I was on the airplane going to see my family.  I am grateful for Little L. being able to see her great-grandparents again.  Although the circumstances for the trip were less than ideal, I was grateful to see part of my USA family again.  I didn't realize how much I had been needing to see them.

I feel like I have just been word-vomiting here, and I don't know how much I was able to adequately get across.  I'm not even sure why I felt like I needed to write this post.  All I know is I don't have words to describe my feelings and thoughts over the past few weeks.  I hope I've been able to express a fraction of my mind to you!

Nana is a great woman, one of the greatest I know, and deserves to have the world know her greatness.  She is leaving a legacy in her family.

Also, we celebrated Little L.'s birthday a few days early with her grandparents and great-grandparents