As I begin jotting things down for this, I am sitting on an airplane somewhere over central America and Little L. Is fast asleep in my arms. It is her second birthday....she turned two while sleeping on my lap. So many thoughts about that (mainly, where has my baby gone?)...but not today.
On December 26, my mom told me that my paternal grandmother, Nana, was in the hospital. She had some infections, a blockage in her throat making it impossible to swallow anything solid, and a few other complications. My parents and youngest brother went to see her immediately. She chose not to have any treatment, understanding that it meant her days were very limited. In the next couple days, my two other brothers flew out from Alaska to see her. Meanwhile I was extremely upset, at home in Brazil.
Nana is 99 years old. Logically we all knew that this day had to come. I kept telling myself that as I fell apart. It didn't help. Nothing can truly prepare you for the death of someone you love. My knowledge of and faith in the gospel of Jesus Christ, knowing that my family can be eternal, help soften the blow. But the pain is still there, and it is real.
I sat at home not knowing what to do. I cried and Little L. tried comforting me with her perfect little hugs and kisses, not understanding at all what was going on. Husband just let me cry on his shoulder, while internally agonizing over the fact that I was far from my family in this critical moment. Just out of curiosity, my youngest brother and I began looking at flights from here to NY. It was all much too expensive...unless I wanted a 40-hour trip through Mexico to get there. By myself, I'd do it. But I had Little L. to think about too.
To make a long story short, over the next few days we had tons of ups and downs. It finally looked do-able. Then suddenly the reasonable flight disappeared. Then the card didn't work when we finally got another good one. There were so many miracles in such a short few days...and angels. We truly have angels in our lives, disguised as our friends. We were finally able to get a relatively inexpensive flight, one that was only 18 hours from start to finish, only one layover. We would leave here December 31, and stay there until January 12. The flight back would be insanely long, but I'd deal with that when the time came.
I cancelled the rest of my classes for the last couple days of the week, and tried to pull myself together. Just knowing that we'd be going to see my side of the family was HUGE for me. I don't know why it calmed me down so much; it didn't change the situation. Nana was still on a liquids-only diet.
She arrived home from the hospital a couple days before Little L. and I arrived on the scene. By the time we got there, my two brothers were back in Alaska, but the youngest was still there. He and Little L. have a special bond, so I was glad we'd get a few days with him at least. He and my parents met us at the airport early on January 1. Our 2018 had begun on the airplane in São Paulo, before takeoff.
It was WONDERFUL to see my family again. And Nana looked so much better than I had been expecting. Little L. warmed up right away to everyone, and it was adorable to see the special care she took with Nana. She's a small child, but she had to have some notion of what was going on, because she was so kind and gentle with Nana, playing by her side, holding her hand, etc. Little L. also absolutely LOVED the snow!
We spent the next 11 days mostly in NY. We spent the weekend at my parents' house, which was nice. I got to see my childhood best friend again, and her daughter and Little L. played together as if they hadn't been apart for several months.
Those 11 days were crazy. So many emotions in such a short time. I held myself together surprisingly well. I think seeing Nana better than I expected helped. I know the inevitable will come, but at least for a few days, life was back to normal- Nana was okay.
I think what was hardest on me was seeing Nana get weaker. Some days she was in exceptionally good condition, but other days she seemed exceptionally weak. I told her so one day, that she seemed to be doing really well. She told me it was because Little L. and my parents and I had come back from their house, and were with her again. The next day my parents went home, and I would be leaving the following day- that was her worst day while I was there. She was very weak, didn't want to eat/drink too much, and seemed very sad. That was January 11.
That night, I got the last of my things together for the trip back to Brazil, and then I had to say goodbye to Nana. I hadn't thought much about that moment. I saw my youngest brother cry when he said goodbye (he wasn't sticking around New England, he was off on his next adventure), but I hadn't thought about my turn.
It's a moment I don't think I'll ever forget. It was around 10pm, and Little L. was still awake- she wouldn't go to sleep without me that night. So we went into the living room and talked with Nana a little. Little L. hugged her and kissed her and kept saying "I love you, Banana [her name for Nana]". It was really too bad Nana couldn't hear her. I went to hug Nana and tell her I love her, and that was the moment I just about lost it. I started crying, and then tried to hide it, but obviously I couldn't. And Nana just held onto me like there was no tomorrow. She said some beautiful things to me.
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| This picture spans 4 generations of Ogdens....it is a treasure! |
I think I came back to Brazil half in a daze. It was a long trip, but Little L. was an angel on the trip again, which was a huge blessing. It all still seems so unreal. I know what's going to happen; I know this was probably the last time I was going to see Nana in this mortal life. I guess this happened with my great-grandmother, Oma, too. She passed away when I was 16 years old, and I have subconsciously blocked out the last bit of her life. I remember when she started to go downhill, and then my memories jump to seeing her early in the day, the day she died. Mom tells me I was pretty upset about that too, which is probably why I don't remember much.
And now...I have memories. Wonderful, sweet, fantastic, amazing memories. And an eternal future to look forward to. I am so grateful for the angels in my life who made this trip possible. One of those angels is my Husband, who wasn't okay until I was on the airplane going to see my family. I am grateful for Little L. being able to see her great-grandparents again. Although the circumstances for the trip were less than ideal, I was grateful to see part of my USA family again. I didn't realize how much I had been needing to see them.
I feel like I have just been word-vomiting here, and I don't know how much I was able to adequately get across. I'm not even sure why I felt like I needed to write this post. All I know is I don't have words to describe my feelings and thoughts over the past few weeks. I hope I've been able to express a fraction of my mind to you!
Nana is a great woman, one of the greatest I know, and deserves to have the world know her greatness. She is leaving a legacy in her family.
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| Also, we celebrated Little L.'s birthday a few days early with her grandparents and great-grandparents |
